We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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