who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
