respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
