Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's blow job season.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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