It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
