Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
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