My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
