It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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