Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
