I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Text me some of your sweat
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
