My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
