If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
