I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
