You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
