so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
