True but thats because hes a fetus.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
