You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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