Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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