Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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