In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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