Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
