he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
