He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
