I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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