My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
