It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
high people should be assigned attendants
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
