and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
We need to get me chipped asap
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
