I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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