your parents love me but you hate me
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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