im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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