I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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