I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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