This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
