part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
