I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
third nipple confirmed
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
