I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
