threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
