Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
