i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
