Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
