Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
