im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
