so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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