Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
