why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
