Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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