He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
