upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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