i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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