made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
