Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
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