Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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