She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
