so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
