I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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