I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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