FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
