I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
